Unsuccessful Pirates of History by Lunchbreath

These inadequate men have sailed the seas searching the for adventure and buried treasure, but sadly, they are nothing more than unsuccessful pirates. While the charming Jack Sparrow often acts stupid but always comes out on top, the same cannot be said for these swashbucklers.

A pirate should be menacing and corrupt, but it’s hard to act like that when your name is Thad the Gluten-Free. While this bearded captain may sword fight and shoot muskets, he can’t have bread or pasta. Not exactly a scary man. Even worse than him is Social-Anxiety Disorder Jack, who can’t exactly be intimidating when he constantly falls victim to panic attacks.

These unsuccessful pirates will not be featured in the newest Pirates of Caribbean installment.