We are truly living in the gilded age. Western society has become so detached from basic survival skills, traditional labor and sweat, we're so fat and complacent, that we now need a special toilet to accommodate our huge, fat asses. I really wish I was kidding. The Great John Toilet Company created a toilet with an ergonomic, "Extra-Elongated, Extra-Wide seating area." (Note the capitalized Extras, as if that really needed to be Emphasized!) The seat of the new toilet has 200 percent more seating area! And the commode is built with reinforcements so you don't accidentally shatter the bowl when you perform your Operation Dumbo Drop maneuvers.

With childhood obesity skyrocketing, I'd like to invest in Toilets of Size futures. Once those little piglets grow to maturity I will stand to make, ahem, a shitload of money.