Monkids

If you can’t get approval for adoption or are an empty nester and still want a kid, there is another option: Get a monkey, dress it up, and treat it like a kid.

“More and more people in Florida and elsewhere are raising monkeys as a substitute for children,” Neatorama says. “They call them ‘monkids’ and won’t refer to them as pets. Lori Johnson adopted a baby capuchin after her youngest child left home.

“The trend is controversial. Animal sanctuaries are seeing a rise in monkeys who are abandoned or relinquished as they mature. The Jungle Friends Primate Sanctuary in Gainesville has a waiting list of monkeys that need placement.”

Sure its self-indulgent, anthropomorphic, unnatural, and a bit twisted, but hey, that’s why there’s that pursuit of happiness thing in the constitution, right? And if it makes you happy to dress up a monkey and tell everyone it’s your kid when you take him to Chuck E Cheese, well that’s what our boys in Iraq are fighting for.

Before you know it, Paris Hilton will have one, and he’ll be wearing designer cloths and driving her home in her Bentley when she’s too hammered to do it herself.