Anti-Valentine's Day Gifts

If you’re in love, you probably know Valentine’s Day is drawing close; if you are out of love and single, then you definitely know the spiteful Cupid’s Day is coming about. This holiday may be far too serious for your carefree spirit, so here are a few ideas to spice it up a bit.

1. Setting the mood. The most important thing is how you feel on the inside, so skip the boring underwear and indulge yourself with a pair of panties or boxers that embody your cheeky thoughts for the day. Choose your personal undergarment statement at CafePress.

2. The vegetation. If you feel very strongly about the flora, my personal recommendation is a nice cactus pot--cute, stirs no memories, lasts, little care required, and global-warming appropriate. Alternatively, to entertain more vile thoughts, you could employ the prime service at DeadRoses: it sends out bouquets of dead roses.

3. The saturated fat. Nothing spells affection like the candy heart. Sometimes, though, people suck, Cupid dies and love hurts; for a more cynical outlook on amorous mishaps we give you Bittersweets. Available in three different themes: Dejected, Dysfunctional and Dumped, each contains up to 37 quirky sayings, such as "Dork Magnet," "Rather Drink" and "Trading You In."

4. In and out of tune. The ‘Top Gear Anthems’ compilation with songs such as "Don’t Stop Me Now" (Queen) and "Born To Be Wild" (Steppenwolf) would be my personal ideal gift. But if exploring your misery, agony and despair is your thing, the string quartet of "Valentine’s Day Massacre" will successfully guide you through, with songs like "The Ghost of You" and "A Box Full of Sharp Objects." All of this thrill is for a fair $15.49 at Amazon.

5. Equipped and prepared. When you get the occasional urge to blow off some steam, be practical; the EX Knife Holder, an innovative knife suspension system featuring a human figure stabbed securely with five knives, is a handy way to release emotional energy. So, you are edgy--and now you ain’t kidding either.

6. Know the field. Long time away from the game? Refresh your memory of what lies out there – or just not next to you, last time you checked – with some essential literature; I would recommend the introductory "Men Before 10 AM Too" for the gals and "4 Inches" for the lads.

7. Play the field. You are now ready for the fly-check: Go out for a cool martini or an even cooler beer, meet some friends, elevate your vibes, meet new friends…

8. The anti-gift. For those of you still feeling a bit spiteful, or simply looking for a laugh, consider the optional generous gesture of a present. The "One Year Supply Condoms" labeled gift box, containing a single condom, gently pokes the over-the-hill anxieties of the recipient. Alternatively, you can dispatch the equally subtle "Bad Breath Kit" or even the "Body Odor Kit" - both kindly supplied by DeadFlowerFlorist.