Revenge Crabs

As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold. In the case of Revenge Crabs, the servings are colonies of pubic crab lice you can purchase to infect your ex as pay back for the pain and hurt after having loved and lost.

Jaw-droppingly bizarre, but then you can buy just about anything from the internet. Revenge Crabs are retail crab lice breeders with an unusual product to serve an all too common need. It’s probably not illegal - their website goes to great lengths explaining it’s malicious mischief but not assault. The lice are not hazardous biological material. They even deflect the “you could ruin someone’s life” with “someone’s life has already been ruined!”. Their testimonial page includes a satisfied customer who used their product to prove her boyfriend was two-timing her with a co-worker.

They sell the BRONZE package with one egg colony for $99. The SILVER has three colonies ($219)- the mind boggles how many exes one person could have or perhaps it is for group buys?  Their clever biological breeding program has produced the GOLD package of shampoo resistant lice for $298 plus shipping.

All of the packages come with delousing shampoo in case you accidentally infect yourself or are using yourself as the transmission agent! You must completely drench the super bugs in shampoo to kill them.

Revenge Crabs also offer free school field trips for New York area schools. The kids will get to see an active biological breeding laboratory and the teachers could hammer home an early lesson against promiscuity. They even offer “Scared Abstinent” tours for church groups.