Beer Launcher: The Greatest Invention Ever Created Edit

If every household in the world had a Beer Launcher, there would be no war.

...but that’s just because no one would get off their couch to operate the tanks and stuff.

John W. Cornwell, a 2006 computer engineering grad from Duke (and my new personal hero), has produced what it assumed to be the world’s first beer launching refridgerator. The invention is the result of many frustrated years sitting comfortably on the couch while beer sits far away cooling in the fridge. The fully-automated, remote-controlled, catapult/fridge hybrid holds a “magazine” of 10 beers, with enough reserve space to hold a full case (14 beers). Although launch speeds and distances are speculative, the video attached below illustrates the device’s deadly accuracy. Mr. Cornwell has hinted that he is willing to entertain the idea of mass producing the Beer Launching Fridge, with initial costs somewhere in the range of $1,000 to $2,500.

Out of courtesy to my male readers, I’ll give you a minute to wipe the drool off your keyboard. ...got it? Okay. The beer fridge has no tangible value to society. If mass produced, it will only give America another reason to get fatter, lazier, and more hopelessly out of tune with the real world. Which is exactly why I will start saving for one immediately. I’m thinking that there’s got to be a way to modify it into a McDonald’s Launcher as well, or something equally useful. That’s called value for one’s money. However the more I think about it, the more I realize what a frightening invention this thing really is. Let’s analyze this situation. Here we have an eagle-eyed machine hurling full cans of beer at me at speeds yet to be determined. And here I am drinking said beer, up to 10 times in a row without moving. Mind you, my eye-hand coordination is not great to begin with. Therefore, we can logically assume that the more I use this thing, the more likely it is to nail me in the face with a 35mph High Life. Drawback or a hilarious built-in benefit?

BobbysPrediction: Mr. Cornwell, you are a gentleman and a scholar, and your country is proud of you. Please accept my order for 1 (one) Beer Launching Refridgerator. Helmet not included.